Baby Steps?

So I went to see the physical therapist finally. I am so beyond happy that I am getting proper treatment. I haven't been in horrible pain for about a two weeks now for the first time in years. The PT thinks that because of the surgeries that have separated my abs and other muscles they're really tight especially on the right side. What I like about this approach is that there will be no more tests, it's all about just trying to correct the problem (which I appreciate so much!) So I will be doing PT once a week. With the Lidocaine patches and Neurontin finally kicking in fully I have felt great. Not to mention my energy levels are back to normal. ALSO I haven't gained ANY weight in the past two months. I was gaining weight so rapidly in the past 9 months and had no foffing clue why. I'm guessing it was the tumor on my thyroid, that's really the most logical explaination. Even though the Neurontin makes me really groggy I'm getting used to it and it's not as bad as it was the first week. I'm hoping now that the pain is under control and that PT is taking place I can get back to where I was. In hindsight the last ab. surgery that I had last year was probably not the best idea in the world. It really just ended up making things worse. So anyway... hopefully Fatty is back in the saddle. Now if I can just get my body to do what it needs to do I'll be happy as a clam.

Why What Other's Think of Fat Doesn't Matter

I've been thinking a lot about this. Recently I had been directed to a website (Return of Kings) dedicated to self-proclaimed "alpha males" regarding one of their articles about why fat women don't deserve love. During the course of browsing, there were so many articles that bashed fat people. In particular, fat American women. Categorically, we were assigned attributes that are laughably inaccurate. With such a large portion of the US fighting obesity and obesity related diseases it's hard to define what a "typical" fatty is. Obviously what the site promotes is horrible stereotypes directed at keeping fat women down. There are so many women out there who have poor self esteem. Some, like me, are drastically overweight and must contend with health issues on top of not feeling confident in how they look. Some women don't have the component of actually being fat but, nonetheless, feel they must live up to society's standards and therefore think less of themselves. However, when it comes right down to it... being fat is only a facet in how you operate in the larger world. Sure, it's obvious your corpulence is there, but does being fat change your thoughts? How you carry yourself? How you would like to present yourself to the world? Nope. The thing is you can be successful and have flaws. Everyone has flaws, some are just not as apparent as others. I think it's time to change a mindset here. The word "fat" is not an insult. It's a word that's used to describe a state of being. It's not really a word that is used objectively. That's like saying it's an insult to a dog to call it a dog. Fat is a state of being. Nothing more, nothing less. Seriously, it's obvious that a fat person is fat. I've never got why something like that needs to be pointed out. I even call myself fatty... fat people know they're fat. When I first started on my journey to a healthier me, about 6 years ago now, I tried to change my focus from restricting my diet and beating myself up to something different. I have tried to look at what I could do and rejoice in that rather than focus what I look like. Positive affirmation I suppose. So when I started to get down I started telling myself about all the things I CAN: I can run with my children, tell them a story, cook a healthy meal, go to work every day, clean the house, walk a mile, complete an assignment... and it goes on and on until I feel competent and sure that whatever obstacle is in my way I can overcome it. The thing is when we beat up ourselves and speak to ourselves negatively we basically set ourselves up for failure as a self fulfilling prophecy. "I'm not good enough to do ___ so therefore why bother trying?" Internalizing negative speak will only harm those who are trying to change their lives for the better. In the end, what others think of your state of fat doesn't matter. It's what you think of it. It's you in the end that is going to make your life what it is. You make your failures. You make your successes. Your life is in YOUR hands, no one else's. What do you want your life to be? Go and make it that way.

A Ray Of Hope

So... I had my consult with the pain specialist on Wednesday. He prescribed some Lidocaine patches and Neurontin for regular use then Norco for breakthrough pain. I started treatment on Friday. Saturday was the first day in 2 years I have not had a constant nagging feeling in my stomach. I have hope now. The Neurontin is making me sluggish but Dr. said that would wear off with regular use. Without pain I feel better. When I feel better I may be able to actually exercise hard core again. Fingers crossed I will be up and at 'em by January. I'm hoping against hope that this is the last of the revolving doctor door. I'm ready to be myself again. I'm ready to be able to run without pain again. Ready to be more active for my babies. Ready to live. Really live.

Post Surgery Wrap Up

It has been two weeks since I had part of my thyroid taken out, as well as an offending tumor that the doctor suspected to be cancerous. My surgeon stated that he felt he got everything out and is not recommending further treatment at this time! Hopefully that will be done with that. Since surgery I have felt fantastic. My mom always complains that I do not give myself time to heal, but who can rest when they feel so energetic? This week I have walked/ ran twice, and Zumba'd my butt off yesterday. I'm hoping that this burst of energy lasts. I don't really feel a thing right now in my neck. I am still, however, attempting to get treatment for the large amount of adhesions in my stomach. I have been seeking treatment for them for a YEAR now. No one has a logical conclusion other than to cut into me yet again. At this point I am done seeking a cure and more into seeking to be able to function. I received a referral last week to a pain management clinic. It sometimes is so hard to move around. Getting out of bed can be especially painful lately. I can feel the pulling and tugging of things just not moving right and, frankly, it sucks ass. I have decided in part to suck it up until relief arrives. I plan to give myself some time and then perhaps sign up for another race. I miss running so much. The last couple days that I've exercised I've felt so much better, so much closer to myself. We'll see how things go. Hope that everything straightens itself out now.

My regularly irregular update

I feel so bad for not blogging. For not running. For not... living... in so many ways. Time to update some. So much has come to light in the last few months regarding me, my health, and why I've felt like a lazy fat ass for the past several months. No, not because I'm lazy: I have cancer. Thyroid cancer to be exact. Reasons for my sluggishness, my unwillingness to get out of bed. Combine that with the ever increasing problem of adhesions and a possible hernia and, well, you get fat and lazy mcrunnerpants. Sure I've let my diet go a bit but it shouldn't have contributed this much to just how shitty I feel. I'm 27 for fuck's sake! I shouldn't have to deal with this bullshit! I should be running, doing a second Mudder, doing my first marathon! Not facing another fucking surgery followed by months of cancer treatment. Seriously, what the ever loving fuck nature?! I can say for sure, I'm still here. I'm not dead yet. You can't kill me. I can and will kick your ass. Just like a kicked menopause's ass. I will, I have to.

Breaking Promises to Myself

What can I say? I'm a flake. I have a major problem with committing to anything physical lately. I guess that's what happens when you're depressed. So I'm changing sloooooowly. Been pretty good about the whole gorging myself on bad shit thing. Trying to stay gluten free. Doesn't always work. Once you introduce gluten back into your life it's hard to re-break the addiction. There are times when I think to myself that I don't DESERVE to feel good about myself. Like I don't DESERVE to live a long and healthy life, that something innately within me is bad. So many things have been going on lately that I really feel are barriers to taking care of myself. I'm trying to regain the previous confidence I once had but it's hard. Some things are going my way: got a promotion at work, changed offices. However I am still under tremendous amounts of stress right now. I know my blog is mostly about running and fitness. I feel, though, right now my personal life is getting in the way of fitness. Which, sucks. As my baby gaga friends would say it's not an excuse but it is a reason. To top that off I am still having a lot of pain when I move and when I wake up. To fix this I do have a doctor's appointment on August 9th to discuss further surgery to chip away at the massive amounts of scar tissue that has built up in my abdomen. This, of course, would still set me back in terms of fitness. However in the long run it may be alright. IF that weren't enough I have modified my diet to be more conducive to my final diagnoses of Hashimoto's hypothyroidism (did you know this goes hand in hand with Celiac disease?). *Sigh* At least I have the medical answers out of the way. But the rest? I'm afraid it's just going to have to come from within. I feel so defeated most of the time. As though nothing I do is going to change my state of mind. I'm working on it... if slowly. Fatty will run again!

3 day diet a success

I remember why I chose the 3 day diet oh so long ago to jump start my initial weight loss. It wasn't because I followed it to a "t" it's because it helped make it a habit to watch my calories, and gave me simple low cal ideas for meals and portions. So far it's been a complete success. I also changed my carb/ protien intake due to seeing the doctor on Friday. I saw an endochrinologist on Friday who said that adjusting my carb intake to 100-120 grams and upping my protien to 60 grams would be more important than cutting cals alone. I've been pretty good with sticking to it. I've lost a couple pounds to boot! Can't belive that's all it took. Oh, and I started Hal Higdon's 10k for Novice. I have set my first race for the year: The legends run 5k in July :D I'm doing the 10k program though to whip my ass in shape so maybe, just maybe I'll be as fast as I was when I PR'd last year. Fingers crossed. I'm sure with some hard work it will happen.

Day 1

So I decided to modify my goals a a bit: First, walk daily. Doesn't matter when. This morning I walked for a bit, then ran for a bit. It worked. Second, no daily pics. I will take pics once a week, though. So today was pretty good. I kept within my calorie alotment (if you're interested, I'm tracking on myfitnesspal.com under fattymcrunnerpants... of course). I did have a slip up and ate some pasta salad but that's OK. Still come in pretty good. Oh and who knew spinach, carrots and PINAPPLE made such a wonderful smoothie? OMG "Lake Water" and Nutriblends is the shit. I had it after my intense cardio workout at the gym. Well, Cardio Kickboxing. Youch my legs hurt now. I didn't have too much of an issue keeping up aerobically wise but I as having a lot of difficulty with some of the moves. The extra gut flab is getting in the way. It needs to go. Now. So, plan for tomorrow: I have to go to the doctor's like 3 hours away however I am going to make time to go to the gym to hit the weights. Strength training tomorrow! Woot!

Just an update of sorts

Just wanted to update my "fans". I've been going through a lot since conquering Tough Mudder. My personal life went to hell in a handbasket so I'm dealing with the whole depression thing.  Not to mention I have a very lovely fan who's been harassing me from her mother's facebook page. Pathetic? I think so. On top of that bullshit I had my fifth abdominal surgery in three years in December. For the record I've had 2 c-sections, 1 hysterectomy w/ bisingual oopherectomy, 1 gallbladder removal (appendix was done away with at this point, too), and now 2 diagnostic laproscopies. The first diagnostic lap was for ovarian cysts. The second (one I just had) was because my intestines were fused to my abdominal wall by scar tissue.So yeah, about 4 weeks now without being able to run and definitly more time than that with no motivation to do so. All of a sudden, knowing I can't, I want to run and move. So I've been taking walks but that doesn't disolve my need for speed.


Being a new year I'm planning on going big. I hope to be able to complete my first full marathon, and another Tough Mudder. I'll definitly be doing another half. I haven't decided which full I'm going to do. I know that I'll have to register early (like, in the next few weeks) If I want to do the Santa Rosa one, and by May for the Sacramento one. I may do the Bidwell classic half again, see if we can get under 3 hours this time :D Still having the whole issue of when and how, though, that came along with starting a normal job with normal hours. It's dark when I get up. It's dark when I get home. I need to renew my gym membership and do it so I can get the 24 hour access.... so much to do. So little motivation.