People know me as a spiritual person, not a religious one. I believe that the universe is tied together and that we all vibrate when the universe vibrates. I believe everything happens for a reason. The timing of things are not coincidental. I do not believe in coincidence. I do not think that the visitation that I had in March was anything but divine.
Recently a series of events have happened. The universe has deemed fit to warn me about these things beforehand. The universe often deems fit to give me insight into things before they happen. I don't think this is divination, I don't think I can tell the future or anything silly like that. I just believe I sometimes get a warning, an inkling... kind of like the gut feeling I was talking about just a few days ago. The last of these events I dreamt about last week. I was in the hospital with a friend, the friend was not shown. I just knew whoever it was I loved dearly. I was at their bedside telling them it was OK to die. I often did this with people who I cared for when I was a hospice provider. Sometimes they just need to know that it's OK to die. They are scared to leave behind their loved ones. People will often hold on until that one special person is there. I told my father in law this prior to his death, he passed on not more than 10 hours later.
I got a message last night from one of my inner circle. I am lucky enough to have a close knit group of friends where I can't say I have just one very best friend. She told me that our friend, J, had been a bad car accident that morning. A woman high on Ecstasy and meth had decided she wanted to commit suicide. The method she chose was to ram her car into another car head on at high speed. The car she hit was J's. J was a passenger, not even the driver. He was in bad shape and was transferred to the regional trauma center ICU about two hours away. I am not going to go into the details here out of respect for him and his family. The driver of J's car was OK and so was the homicidal maniac. HM was arrested and is being held on 1million dollars bail.
I broke down in tears as soon as I heard the news. Flashbacks of my horseback riding accident were prominent in my head as I muddled through dinner and Christmas tree decorating with my children. My son, who has a problem with empathy, saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I explained to him that J was in an accident. He then gave me a big hug and said he was sorry and that he was concerned about J. I could not eat and did not sleep last night at all. At work this morning I could not concentrate on anything I was doing and it took me. I left early and went down to see him. Several of his other friends were there as well as his father and his sisters. It felt good to know my Muffin is so loved.
They were only letting people back there two at a time so I had to wait my turn. While waiting a woman put her hand on my leg and she asked if I was waiting to see my brother. I often refer to J as my brother but I told her no, that I was waiting for a friend. She then asked me if I was a Christian. I told her not really, that I lean more on the agnostic side. She seemed surprised at my response. She told me her name was Bev and that she had a message for me. She explained she sometimes has felt moved to give a particular message to strangers. Her message for me today is that everything is going to be OK. She told me that even though things may seem so very dark right now that the light is near.
When it was my turn to go back J was about half awake. I held his hand on top of his blanket as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Between falling asleep he talked to me and his other friend in the room. He took his hand out from under the blanket and motioned for me to come near. He cupped my cheek and croaked out that he loved me. I told him I loved him too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning any kind of romantic love. Rather the deep admiration and respect one has for a close friend and confidant. I kissed his hand before I left and felt that everything really would be OK. I don't know what that OK will look like, but I know that life and love will go on.
Tonight is a holiday that I am reverent to. The Winter Solstice. The night the axle of the earth in the Northern Hemisphere is tipped back the most, where we are the furthest away from the sun. Our light. I always observe this holiday and imagine what our ancestors must have thought. The winter was the time of year of the most deaths, what terror our ancestors must have felt during this time of year. What celebration they must have had when the sun returned. And, so, I KNOW the sun will rise again after this, the Longest Night.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Living life without hesitation and other rules of the road
I remember when I was learning how to drive my mom would scream at me if I was making a turn at an intersection "Don't hesitate! That hesitation is dangerous!" I remember her voice every now and again while driving and I see someone hesitate while they're maneuvering. Usually while passing another vehicle you'll see the car hesitate prior to moving into the left lane and overtaking the slower vehicle. That small hesitation can be dangerous because in that split moment another vehicle could have moved into the space which could cause a traffic accident. I find this a wonderful metaphor for life in general, that gut instinct prior to making a decision, that small hesitation that may mean the difference between overtaking a problem in your life or choosing to lag behind to wait for a better opportunity.
Since my cancer diagnosis in 2013 I've tried my best to live my life trusting that gut instinct and to not hesitate to live the life I deserve. What this has meant for me is finishing what I start, grabbing at opportunities to advance, and enjoying every moment I feel well. The feeling well days have been getting more and more as my treatment had progressed. I'm enjoying my running, enjoying my kids. Recently, the life without hesitation came in the form of a job opportunity. I've been working the last three and a half years with welfare recipients, promoting my way from a line worker to a specialist in cash aid and trainer. I was accepted to interview for a senior position a few months ago. The process for getting hired as a government worker is an arduous process. It involves first applying, then taking a test, then interviewing and THEN the waiting game starts. I was actually surprised when I first got accepted to test. I was unsure if I qualified. The test was scheduled the week I was out of town for work. So I ended up taking it over the phone (it was an interview style test). After you test, you are ranked in order of how well you did. Much to my surprise I was ranked first! That in itself caused me to happy dance.
I got the calls to interview about a week later. The first I was excited about, it was in the Behavioural Health unit. I dressed up and I thought the interview had gone well. The second interview was over the phone because I was supposed to be driving to San Fransisco but ended up not going. I ended up sick as hell instead. I didn't think it went well. But, lo and behold I got a call with the promotional offer on Thursday last week. I was so excited, no hesitation I took the promotion even though I wasn't 100% sure what I would be doing. Turns out it's in the SNAP-ed unit which is responsible for helping to promote good nutrition and prevent obesity. How cool is that?!
I keep wondering, though, if they would have hired me had it been an in person interview. I am not a small person. I'm very excited, though. I start with the new year and I'm anticipating this upcoming year to be awesome. I'm very much resolved that my best years are ahead of me, not behind me. You know, this morning I woke up at 5am ( my regular to work time), and felt energetic enough to lace up my running shoes, put on some tunes, and walk up the hill behind my house.. without hesitation.
Since my cancer diagnosis in 2013 I've tried my best to live my life trusting that gut instinct and to not hesitate to live the life I deserve. What this has meant for me is finishing what I start, grabbing at opportunities to advance, and enjoying every moment I feel well. The feeling well days have been getting more and more as my treatment had progressed. I'm enjoying my running, enjoying my kids. Recently, the life without hesitation came in the form of a job opportunity. I've been working the last three and a half years with welfare recipients, promoting my way from a line worker to a specialist in cash aid and trainer. I was accepted to interview for a senior position a few months ago. The process for getting hired as a government worker is an arduous process. It involves first applying, then taking a test, then interviewing and THEN the waiting game starts. I was actually surprised when I first got accepted to test. I was unsure if I qualified. The test was scheduled the week I was out of town for work. So I ended up taking it over the phone (it was an interview style test). After you test, you are ranked in order of how well you did. Much to my surprise I was ranked first! That in itself caused me to happy dance.
I got the calls to interview about a week later. The first I was excited about, it was in the Behavioural Health unit. I dressed up and I thought the interview had gone well. The second interview was over the phone because I was supposed to be driving to San Fransisco but ended up not going. I ended up sick as hell instead. I didn't think it went well. But, lo and behold I got a call with the promotional offer on Thursday last week. I was so excited, no hesitation I took the promotion even though I wasn't 100% sure what I would be doing. Turns out it's in the SNAP-ed unit which is responsible for helping to promote good nutrition and prevent obesity. How cool is that?!
I keep wondering, though, if they would have hired me had it been an in person interview. I am not a small person. I'm very excited, though. I start with the new year and I'm anticipating this upcoming year to be awesome. I'm very much resolved that my best years are ahead of me, not behind me. You know, this morning I woke up at 5am ( my regular to work time), and felt energetic enough to lace up my running shoes, put on some tunes, and walk up the hill behind my house.. without hesitation.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
FAQs or How Running Saved My Life
It's occurred to me that my life literally revolves around running... even when I'm not. It's not an obsession, really. Nor is it something I talk endlessly about but it's always there. In the back of my mind so... on to the FAQs!
Question: Why did you start running?
Answer: I was into running on the treadmill as a warm up for weights. When I was on vacation with my son without access to a gym, I started running with him in his stroller (he was about 2 at the time). It just stuck as something easy to do without leaving him behind. He loved running with me. Now, my daughter didn't so I still ran with him even after she was born. I'd switch kids but I wouldn't do a double stroller since Will was 3 when she was born so it wasn't worth the money for a stroller I'd only use for a year or so. I did end up being gifted a double jogger that was tandem instead of side by side but I ended up donating it to someone who had triplets since Maggie HATED running the first year or so of her life. I should do a "running with a stroller" blog soon as I see so many people doing it in an unsafe manner... with newborns. Yikes. Prior to becoming sick with thyroid and uterine diseases running helped me lose the baby weight and then some!
Question: You're so big... doesn't it bother your knees?
Answer: NOPE! I listen to my body. I have chronic pain, but my knees aren't the problem! I invest in good shoes and change them often. I suggest anyone who wants to run get fitted at a running store.
Question: How is it that you're "healthy"? You're fat... you can't be healthy too. It's just not possible.
Answer: Obesity is a risk factor, just like any other risk factor, like smoking or having a parent with heart disease. Running and eating right helps mitigate the risk factor that obesity brings. Being fat does not mean that someone will automatically develop obesity related diseases. Inherently because I have chronic disease (early menopause, Hashimoto's, chronic pain) I am not healthy. However my blood sugar is great, my blood pressure is wonderfully low, and I usually have energy to do what needs to be done. If it weren't for other chronic illness I wouldn't have a problem. I also probably wouldn't be Fatty but that's not the point. The point is that because of my running I've become aware of my body and know what works for it. During the time I was being diagnosed with a thyroid issue, I kept a food log to insure I was getting the proper nutrients for Tough Mudder. My doctor had the audacity to tell me I had gained 60lbs in 3 months because I was overeating and lazy. So I whipped out my log. That's when he went and did the additional tests. That's when they found the tumor. And 2 years ago this week I had part of my thyroid removed. Running has given me the incentive to make sure all parts of my body are taken care of and advocate for myself when they are not. I go through the same routine with almost every doctor I see. It's exhausting. The last specialist I saw just basically said whatevs, just live with it. So I said whatevs, I'll find a new specialist. Ha. Bitch.
Anyway, the fact is that because I run and eat right I do NOT have diabetes. I do NOT have heart disease. My blood pressure gets checked once a month and last month it was 108/60. Do you know how fucking awesome that is? I can push through and work full time/ get done what needs to be done.This is directly attributable to my lifestyle. This is directly because I run!
Question: Speaking of Tough Mudder, why are you always wearing that shirt?!
Answer: Wearing my TM shirt gives me hope. TM was over 10 miles long and required a lot of stamina. It reminds me of what I'm capable of doing. It lets me know it's going to be OK and that I can push through it all. When I wear the shirt I remember how strong I am and how far I've come. It reminds me I'm not a stereotype. It tells me I have to keep going. And so I do.
Don't forget to check out my tabs at the top, I've done two events since my last post. Including one where I placed. So check it out ;)
Question: Why did you start running?
Answer: I was into running on the treadmill as a warm up for weights. When I was on vacation with my son without access to a gym, I started running with him in his stroller (he was about 2 at the time). It just stuck as something easy to do without leaving him behind. He loved running with me. Now, my daughter didn't so I still ran with him even after she was born. I'd switch kids but I wouldn't do a double stroller since Will was 3 when she was born so it wasn't worth the money for a stroller I'd only use for a year or so. I did end up being gifted a double jogger that was tandem instead of side by side but I ended up donating it to someone who had triplets since Maggie HATED running the first year or so of her life. I should do a "running with a stroller" blog soon as I see so many people doing it in an unsafe manner... with newborns. Yikes. Prior to becoming sick with thyroid and uterine diseases running helped me lose the baby weight and then some!
Question: You're so big... doesn't it bother your knees?
Answer: NOPE! I listen to my body. I have chronic pain, but my knees aren't the problem! I invest in good shoes and change them often. I suggest anyone who wants to run get fitted at a running store.
Question: How is it that you're "healthy"? You're fat... you can't be healthy too. It's just not possible.
Answer: Obesity is a risk factor, just like any other risk factor, like smoking or having a parent with heart disease. Running and eating right helps mitigate the risk factor that obesity brings. Being fat does not mean that someone will automatically develop obesity related diseases. Inherently because I have chronic disease (early menopause, Hashimoto's, chronic pain) I am not healthy. However my blood sugar is great, my blood pressure is wonderfully low, and I usually have energy to do what needs to be done. If it weren't for other chronic illness I wouldn't have a problem. I also probably wouldn't be Fatty but that's not the point. The point is that because of my running I've become aware of my body and know what works for it. During the time I was being diagnosed with a thyroid issue, I kept a food log to insure I was getting the proper nutrients for Tough Mudder. My doctor had the audacity to tell me I had gained 60lbs in 3 months because I was overeating and lazy. So I whipped out my log. That's when he went and did the additional tests. That's when they found the tumor. And 2 years ago this week I had part of my thyroid removed. Running has given me the incentive to make sure all parts of my body are taken care of and advocate for myself when they are not. I go through the same routine with almost every doctor I see. It's exhausting. The last specialist I saw just basically said whatevs, just live with it. So I said whatevs, I'll find a new specialist. Ha. Bitch.
Anyway, the fact is that because I run and eat right I do NOT have diabetes. I do NOT have heart disease. My blood pressure gets checked once a month and last month it was 108/60. Do you know how fucking awesome that is? I can push through and work full time/ get done what needs to be done.This is directly attributable to my lifestyle. This is directly because I run!
Question: Speaking of Tough Mudder, why are you always wearing that shirt?!
Answer: Wearing my TM shirt gives me hope. TM was over 10 miles long and required a lot of stamina. It reminds me of what I'm capable of doing. It lets me know it's going to be OK and that I can push through it all. When I wear the shirt I remember how strong I am and how far I've come. It reminds me I'm not a stereotype. It tells me I have to keep going. And so I do.
Don't forget to check out my tabs at the top, I've done two events since my last post. Including one where I placed. So check it out ;)
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Kicking Butt and Fat Shaming: Donut Run Recap
Nothing makes me more irate than fat shamers. There has been a trend in the past few years, maybe because of the so- called "fat acceptance" movement, that it is OK to shame people publically for their body mass. Well, guess what? It's not. The assumption is that people who gain weight or have always been bigger are lazy, do not understand nutrition, and generally have something morally wrong with them. The comments that I have seen lately in reference to Kelly Clarkson and Alyssa Milano's weight have made me literally ill to my stomach. The common consensus is that someone loving and accepting themselves is not OK if you happen to poses a larger body. It's not OK because it "promotes unhealthy behavior". Oooo it's just so unhealthy, people say. In my experience everyone who uses this excuse to fat shame do not care about fat people's health. the truth is, fat people do not need to be told they're fat. We already know that. We already know that we're at risk for other health related problems because of our weight. We already know that we are not aesthetically pleasing and that we jiggle when we exercise. We DO NOT NEED TO BE TOLD THIS. Fat, in and of itself, is not a health issue. It is a bi product of other issues. Always. It's a symptom. Now what it's a symptom of is wide and varied. It could be as simple as a sedentary lifestyle. It could be as complicated as autoimmune disease.
Anyway... when dealing with fat people and health, we should be encouraging healthy behaviors. Not shaming people for the way they look. We should be rooting them on when they are doing things that are good for them, not criticizing them because their butt jiggles.
So, back to my point... recapping today's race. I ran in the Donut Run 5k in Kelseyville today. I have not run a 5k since August and have been sort of easing into physical exercise since my accident. It seems as though my thyroid is leveled out as I have been steadily losing weight with just a few tweaks in consumption here and there. I have figured out that I really do not like ear buds of any sort so I have been running with my phone in my bra and the music turned on through the speakers high enough for me to hear but low enough that it's not causing a distraction to others .So I turned on my phone and started my run jamming to the Black Eyed Peas. The first mile wasn't too bad. I started feeling some heaviness in my legs but nothing I couldn't deal with. I have been unable to find my Garmin so I have no clue what pace I was at during that time but I did pass the 1 mile mark at about 13 minutes. The second mile is always my "resting" mile before I kick it into gear for the last mile or so. Around mile one two women pass me and I can hear them talking in front of me. I do not like to "pace" people. Although I run for time, I do not run as a competition against other people. I'm only competing with myself and my previous times. But there are times when you're keeping up with those in a similar grove. These two women were talking about me in front of me, saying how they wish they had music and that I had the right idea having music piping in from my bra.
At the first turn around Sarah from City Fitness saw me and we high fived. It's always nice to see her, she is so encouraging. So I'm walking and getting passed, not a big deal. Finished mile two in about 17 minutes. I was in a groove and not feeling too bad. I can tell I need new shoes because it was about this time that my feet started to feel like they were blistering. I kept telling myself that I was going to run the last mile or so but I could feel that I was tiring out. Now mind you I just got over having pneumonia as well so my lungs were kind of killing me. I was fighting off some coughing fits when the second turn around came but then felt better. I sped up about that time and I was coming up on the women who passed me earlier, who had walked the whole way except for the small amount of time that they had ran in the beginning. So I heard one of the women say "Oh I hear her behind us". At that point I was at a light jog (which was exerting to me). So I passed them on the right at almost exactly mile three, knowing only a tenth of a mile to go and the ending in sight. So I sped up even a bit more.
That's when I heard it... giggling. And then "Look at her butt, it's just so there. her thighs are jiggling. Just disgusting. Why wouldn't she wear looser pants? It looks like animals are fighting in there". I looked down. of course I was jiggling. I'm a big girl. I jiggled when I was a smaller girl too. I'm just a jiggly person. And there was nothing wrong with my pants.
I was shocked and disturbed. Here I am, a cancer survivor, a person with a major thyroid disorder and overweight and they're making fun of me for running? Why? I shook it off and finished. Sarah happened to be at the finishing line and cheered me in. I really had wanted to finish in under 50 minutes and I did! 48:49.5. I couldn't have been prouder had it been a PR.
Such things obviously bother me as much as I don't want them to. Everyone has their faults. But, why be mean about it? It serves no point and doesn't help anyone.
Anyway... when dealing with fat people and health, we should be encouraging healthy behaviors. Not shaming people for the way they look. We should be rooting them on when they are doing things that are good for them, not criticizing them because their butt jiggles.
So, back to my point... recapping today's race. I ran in the Donut Run 5k in Kelseyville today. I have not run a 5k since August and have been sort of easing into physical exercise since my accident. It seems as though my thyroid is leveled out as I have been steadily losing weight with just a few tweaks in consumption here and there. I have figured out that I really do not like ear buds of any sort so I have been running with my phone in my bra and the music turned on through the speakers high enough for me to hear but low enough that it's not causing a distraction to others .So I turned on my phone and started my run jamming to the Black Eyed Peas. The first mile wasn't too bad. I started feeling some heaviness in my legs but nothing I couldn't deal with. I have been unable to find my Garmin so I have no clue what pace I was at during that time but I did pass the 1 mile mark at about 13 minutes. The second mile is always my "resting" mile before I kick it into gear for the last mile or so. Around mile one two women pass me and I can hear them talking in front of me. I do not like to "pace" people. Although I run for time, I do not run as a competition against other people. I'm only competing with myself and my previous times. But there are times when you're keeping up with those in a similar grove. These two women were talking about me in front of me, saying how they wish they had music and that I had the right idea having music piping in from my bra.
At the first turn around Sarah from City Fitness saw me and we high fived. It's always nice to see her, she is so encouraging. So I'm walking and getting passed, not a big deal. Finished mile two in about 17 minutes. I was in a groove and not feeling too bad. I can tell I need new shoes because it was about this time that my feet started to feel like they were blistering. I kept telling myself that I was going to run the last mile or so but I could feel that I was tiring out. Now mind you I just got over having pneumonia as well so my lungs were kind of killing me. I was fighting off some coughing fits when the second turn around came but then felt better. I sped up about that time and I was coming up on the women who passed me earlier, who had walked the whole way except for the small amount of time that they had ran in the beginning. So I heard one of the women say "Oh I hear her behind us". At that point I was at a light jog (which was exerting to me). So I passed them on the right at almost exactly mile three, knowing only a tenth of a mile to go and the ending in sight. So I sped up even a bit more. That's when I heard it... giggling. And then "Look at her butt, it's just so there. her thighs are jiggling. Just disgusting. Why wouldn't she wear looser pants? It looks like animals are fighting in there". I looked down. of course I was jiggling. I'm a big girl. I jiggled when I was a smaller girl too. I'm just a jiggly person. And there was nothing wrong with my pants.
I was shocked and disturbed. Here I am, a cancer survivor, a person with a major thyroid disorder and overweight and they're making fun of me for running? Why? I shook it off and finished. Sarah happened to be at the finishing line and cheered me in. I really had wanted to finish in under 50 minutes and I did! 48:49.5. I couldn't have been prouder had it been a PR.
Such things obviously bother me as much as I don't want them to. Everyone has their faults. But, why be mean about it? It serves no point and doesn't help anyone.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Visiting Angels and Running in Louisiana
I took a trip to Louisiana over the weekend. I had a wonderful time until about the end where I had a streak of bad luck that cumulated in me coming down with pneumonia. But I don't want to talk about that LOL.
I've been training for the Donut Run which will take place in April. I feel confident that with the training I've been doing I'll be able to finish with a decent time. When making the hotel reservations, I made sure that they offered a gym room. I have to tell you, I was hoping for good weather so I could run in Louisiana and see the sights. Unfortunately, the forecast was for thunderstorms. So, I ended up on the dread mill instead.
My plan was Friday go to Sacramento (2 hour drive) in the AM then drive to Oakland (2 hour drive)after my work meeting in Sac. Oakland would hop on a plan, land in Dallas (3 hour flight) then drive to Shreveport (3 hour drive). A friend of mine was in a play so I was to attend the play, stay in Shreveport then drive to New Orleans (5 hour drive) to meet with another friend. After NOLA I was to drive back to Dallas (7 hour drive), hop on a plane and land in Oakland (4 hour flight) again before heading back home (3 hour drive). So, in a 3 day time span, 27 of those hours were devoted to being in transit. Seems excessive but so worth it in the end!
I wound up in Shreveport at 5am on Saturday morning. I wasn't super tired but got a nap in before getting up, working on my book, and eating the best gumbo I've ever tasted. After attending my friend's play (Bonnie and Clyde, A New Musical) I went back to my hotel and fell asleep. That night I had a dream that my father in law (who passed away in 2006) was with me in my hotel room and I was telling him how much I missed him and why in the world did he grow a beard?
Sunday morning I got up, and had a nice jaunt on the dread mill before driving down to Mandeville, which is the town across the Ponchartrain from NOLA. I got there about an hour early and spent my time walking down the lake and just taking it all in. After the dread mill it was nice to be out and walking in nature.
I've been training for the Donut Run which will take place in April. I feel confident that with the training I've been doing I'll be able to finish with a decent time. When making the hotel reservations, I made sure that they offered a gym room. I have to tell you, I was hoping for good weather so I could run in Louisiana and see the sights. Unfortunately, the forecast was for thunderstorms. So, I ended up on the dread mill instead.
My plan was Friday go to Sacramento (2 hour drive) in the AM then drive to Oakland (2 hour drive)after my work meeting in Sac. Oakland would hop on a plan, land in Dallas (3 hour flight) then drive to Shreveport (3 hour drive). A friend of mine was in a play so I was to attend the play, stay in Shreveport then drive to New Orleans (5 hour drive) to meet with another friend. After NOLA I was to drive back to Dallas (7 hour drive), hop on a plane and land in Oakland (4 hour flight) again before heading back home (3 hour drive). So, in a 3 day time span, 27 of those hours were devoted to being in transit. Seems excessive but so worth it in the end!
I wound up in Shreveport at 5am on Saturday morning. I wasn't super tired but got a nap in before getting up, working on my book, and eating the best gumbo I've ever tasted. After attending my friend's play (Bonnie and Clyde, A New Musical) I went back to my hotel and fell asleep. That night I had a dream that my father in law (who passed away in 2006) was with me in my hotel room and I was telling him how much I missed him and why in the world did he grow a beard?
Sunday morning I got up, and had a nice jaunt on the dread mill before driving down to Mandeville, which is the town across the Ponchartrain from NOLA. I got there about an hour early and spent my time walking down the lake and just taking it all in. After the dread mill it was nice to be out and walking in nature.
I spent a good half an hour just gazing at the lake, it's huge and beautiful. I saw a lot of people running along the lake. Unfortunately, it was more humid than I'm used to and it felt like I was sweating even though I wasn't. I couldn't live here, I wouldn't be able to run outside and this wasn't even a bad day lol.
So, on my way to Dallas, I wanted to drive through NOLA. I ended up not doing so. Now, I'm going to use this qualifier: I am not a Christian. I identify a agnostic, meaning I think there's something out there but I'm not going to put a name on it. I believe in spirits, helpers, energy, etc. I believe that a spirit world runs parallel to our world and that spirits have the option to impact our lives. The unexplainable, I suppose. I could feel energy radiating from NOLA and it felt as though something were chasing me as I drove through the swampland. It was strange. It felt, dark and scary. I started praying that I get to Dallas in one piece. Right outside of Shreveport, I blew a tire and wound up missing my flight. I rebooked and got to my destination just fine. Now, the bad thing about this is that the non stop flight from Dallas to Oakland turned into a flight from Dallas to LA to Oakland.
So, on the flight from LA to Oakland, I got settled into my seat so ready to be home. I got a little excited when it seemed as though no one else was getting on the plane and the seat beside me was still empty. Just when they were going to close the doors, another passenger appeared. He was tall and lanky, older gentleman. He said he was 84 and was named George. What was striking to me is that he looked just like my father in law but had a beard. I saw his hands first that had those bruise-blood splotches older people get when they're on blood thinner medication. They looked like my father in law's hands. As I was talking with him I noticed he had problems hearing, just like my father in law. I tried to tuck my bad arm in and we began a conversation about my accident. I told him that I had stopped breathing after surgery and that I was worried about my future health, etc. He looked me right in the eye and said "Don't worry, you have many years left to live. You have important work to do." I thought that was a strange comment to make. He also told me that he didn't have a ride home because he was originally supposed to land in San Fransisco but had to change flights. I told him that I lived off Hwy 101 and he then told me he lived in a rest home right near there and would I mind taking him in exchange for $20 and dinner. I can never say no to someone in need.
As the flight went on, I started thinking about landing in Oakland and getting some Chipotle on the way home. There isn't a Chipotle near my home so it's a nice treat. About 15 mins before we were to land, he was pondering dinner and said "I want to go to this one place, I can never remember it's name. They serve sustainable food and it's a National chain. YOU know the name, I know you do." so I asked "Chipotle?" and he smiled really big. "Yeah, Chipotay" he said. He started telling me he was a minister and that he was at the Selma march. That he was big on civil rights.
So, I took him to Chipotle and headed over the Richmond bridge to 101. He then started telling me not to worry, that everything would be fine. He told me that I had an inner sweetness that is rare in people (I'm not being conceited, he told me this), and that what I do is important. He told me that I am needed here on earth for a long time. Just really nice things to hear, I guess. You go your whole life and want to feel important and needed. It's rare that anyone actually tells you these things. I pulled up to his rest home and dropped him off. He reached for my hand and kissed it (also something my father in law would have done), told me not to worry that it would all be fine. He told me that if I needed anything to call the rest home and that he would pray for me. He then got out of the car and walked into the rest home.
As I was driving up 101 back home a voice in my head whispered "He's not real". I called the rest home today to ask for him. I wanted to thank him for the companionship and let him know I got home alright. They've never heard of George...
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
It Wasn't My Fault
I know, I know, I typically blog about running but I think that this is important. Today we had a training in Domestic Violence/ Domestic Abuse. Surprisingly, I got through this fine until the end. Well, I shouldn't say surprisingly. Nothing in the training was something I hadn't heard a million times before. However, when someone said something to the effect that only a perpetrator's attorney would treat a victim of abuse like crap. I had to walk out, shut my mouth, and not make a scene. You see, I know better. I've lived it. And, frankly, I'm not done processing it. I function at some level as a mature, responsible, ambitious adult woman. But, one word, one phrase, can still bring back a rush of intrusive memories. Of blood, of bruises, of pain, cell walls, asshole judges, dead babies, incompetent social workers, and smug faces...
You see, my childhood was complete hell on earth. I was emotionally and physically abused by all of my parents. I say all because I had four major players. When CPS stepped in eventually, I was 14. I was more than capable of understanding what was happening and SHOULD have been a player in the process of placement. I SHOULD have been receiving counseling for what had happened. My concerns about being placed with my father SHOULD have been taken seriously. And, my Guardian Ad Litem (AKA my attorney) SHOULD have actually met with me... say once or twice... before making a recommendation to the courts. Yeah, none of that ever happened. So, here I am already knowing that whatever I do won't be heard or taken seriously. That no one in this mess of people who were deemed to be taking care of me would give a flying fuck. Every time I told of abuse in my father's home it was ignored. Medical neglect? Ignored. Being spit on? Ignored. Beaten with a switch? Ignored. Having my door taken off so I couldn't change my clothing in privacy? Ignored. Educational neglect? Ignored. Requests to be placed with my pastor (who was more of a father to me than mine EVER was) and his wife? Ignored So... why would I trust the people who put us there? Oh right... I wouldn't.
So let's fast forward a year. My mom had jumped through all her hoops and, honestly, was a lot more emotionally stable than I had ever seen her. We were placed back with her. Meanwhile I was a mess. I sought solace online, in a faceless friend who promised to always be my friend. See where I'm going with this? I was victimized again. Long ass story short, I was kept as a sex slave for several weeks three hours from my home. I... have never spoken publically about this before. Some of my nearest and dearest know. It still brings up feelings of shame, guilt, and anger. I was a weak, naïve 15 year old. I was looking for comfort, a friend, a parental figure of stability. This man lured me from my home and forcibly kept me in his apartment with another woman. I was raped daily. I was made to color my hair. I was tied up, hidden, and threatened.
When the police finally found me, I was scared and broken. Guess what the police did? Put me in handcuffs! Charged ME with being an unruly child for leaving my mom's home. BLAMED ME FOR BEING AN ACCOMPLICE IN MY OWN RAPE! After the handcuffs, I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't want to give a statement. So I lied. I lied and lied and lied. And I kept lying because I couldn't change my story, you know. They took me to a juvenile detention facility. I then faced the same judge who was the judge in my mom's CPS case. Um.. HELLO! This asshole had just dealt with my mom, knew all of our family dirt and basically called me little more than a slut in court. Ordered me to a detention facility until I could have a psychological eval. Oh, and ordered that I was kept in isolation during that time. 4 cell walls, only allowed out to shower, go to "groups", and the occasional visit from my mom. The staff somewhat took pity on me. It wasn't over with the police. One day, I was interrogated in handcuffs and leg shackles for several hours. Threatened with total isolation if I did not comply, threatened to have my mattress taken out of my cell so that I would have to sit on cold concrete with my thoughts instead of be able to sleep. Threatened with no visits. Threatened with having meals taken away, and being kept indefinitely in juvenile hall.
When I finally got out, guess what? More blame. By social workers, my parents, my foster mother. I started to believe the things they said. I was a bad girl. So what does my stupid ass do? Try to contact my rapist. I didn't know how to cope. Talking to him was how I had coped before. Even though he hurt me. Even though I was scared of him. I called him anyway. My mom found out and beat the living shit out of me. I was then taken back to juvenile hall, faced the same judge AGAIN, and then... placed on probation and taken to a foster home. A few days later I found out that I was pregnant. I started hemorrhaging badly and my foster mom took me to the hospital. She had the sense enough to tell them I had been raped. Because, honestly, even if it was totally consensual, this man was over 40 years old. I was 15. It was rape. She knew that and was really the only one who had any sense in this whole situation.
The counseling they sent me to was completely ineffective. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to tell anyone what had happened. It was my fault, I truly believed that. I brought it on myself. The irony of it all is that the book was thrown at my rapist by the judge in his criminal trial. In the juvenile court system, I was told I was old enough to know better. I was held accountable and LEGALLY LIABLE for my actions. Meanwhile, the criminal system (in an opinion from the judge) I had been classified as someone who was too naïve to know what I was doing. How is that possible?! How confusing to a child to be told on one hand it was her fault and the other that she was a victim! Who the hell was in charge here? Who decided that this is how you treat a child who was a victim of domestic and sexual abuse. Seriously... who? Why? How?
It's taken me years to not blame myself. It's taken me years to come to terms with the loss I suffered as a result of the miscarriage. Years to be able to trust anyone and form meaningful friendships and relationships. The internal rage I have felt since then hasn't subsided yet. And now, after 14 years.. that is my story. No, I'm not "over it". I may never be. It doesn't run my life anymore but that period of time is connected to me in a way that is indescribable. A phrase, a thought, a misconception about our justice system. Our justice system is broken. Our misconceptions about victims is detrimental. How can we change this so another child doesn't go through the same things? What stereotypes are YOU willing to give up?
You see, my childhood was complete hell on earth. I was emotionally and physically abused by all of my parents. I say all because I had four major players. When CPS stepped in eventually, I was 14. I was more than capable of understanding what was happening and SHOULD have been a player in the process of placement. I SHOULD have been receiving counseling for what had happened. My concerns about being placed with my father SHOULD have been taken seriously. And, my Guardian Ad Litem (AKA my attorney) SHOULD have actually met with me... say once or twice... before making a recommendation to the courts. Yeah, none of that ever happened. So, here I am already knowing that whatever I do won't be heard or taken seriously. That no one in this mess of people who were deemed to be taking care of me would give a flying fuck. Every time I told of abuse in my father's home it was ignored. Medical neglect? Ignored. Being spit on? Ignored. Beaten with a switch? Ignored. Having my door taken off so I couldn't change my clothing in privacy? Ignored. Educational neglect? Ignored. Requests to be placed with my pastor (who was more of a father to me than mine EVER was) and his wife? Ignored So... why would I trust the people who put us there? Oh right... I wouldn't.
So let's fast forward a year. My mom had jumped through all her hoops and, honestly, was a lot more emotionally stable than I had ever seen her. We were placed back with her. Meanwhile I was a mess. I sought solace online, in a faceless friend who promised to always be my friend. See where I'm going with this? I was victimized again. Long ass story short, I was kept as a sex slave for several weeks three hours from my home. I... have never spoken publically about this before. Some of my nearest and dearest know. It still brings up feelings of shame, guilt, and anger. I was a weak, naïve 15 year old. I was looking for comfort, a friend, a parental figure of stability. This man lured me from my home and forcibly kept me in his apartment with another woman. I was raped daily. I was made to color my hair. I was tied up, hidden, and threatened.
When the police finally found me, I was scared and broken. Guess what the police did? Put me in handcuffs! Charged ME with being an unruly child for leaving my mom's home. BLAMED ME FOR BEING AN ACCOMPLICE IN MY OWN RAPE! After the handcuffs, I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't want to give a statement. So I lied. I lied and lied and lied. And I kept lying because I couldn't change my story, you know. They took me to a juvenile detention facility. I then faced the same judge who was the judge in my mom's CPS case. Um.. HELLO! This asshole had just dealt with my mom, knew all of our family dirt and basically called me little more than a slut in court. Ordered me to a detention facility until I could have a psychological eval. Oh, and ordered that I was kept in isolation during that time. 4 cell walls, only allowed out to shower, go to "groups", and the occasional visit from my mom. The staff somewhat took pity on me. It wasn't over with the police. One day, I was interrogated in handcuffs and leg shackles for several hours. Threatened with total isolation if I did not comply, threatened to have my mattress taken out of my cell so that I would have to sit on cold concrete with my thoughts instead of be able to sleep. Threatened with no visits. Threatened with having meals taken away, and being kept indefinitely in juvenile hall.
When I finally got out, guess what? More blame. By social workers, my parents, my foster mother. I started to believe the things they said. I was a bad girl. So what does my stupid ass do? Try to contact my rapist. I didn't know how to cope. Talking to him was how I had coped before. Even though he hurt me. Even though I was scared of him. I called him anyway. My mom found out and beat the living shit out of me. I was then taken back to juvenile hall, faced the same judge AGAIN, and then... placed on probation and taken to a foster home. A few days later I found out that I was pregnant. I started hemorrhaging badly and my foster mom took me to the hospital. She had the sense enough to tell them I had been raped. Because, honestly, even if it was totally consensual, this man was over 40 years old. I was 15. It was rape. She knew that and was really the only one who had any sense in this whole situation.
The counseling they sent me to was completely ineffective. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to tell anyone what had happened. It was my fault, I truly believed that. I brought it on myself. The irony of it all is that the book was thrown at my rapist by the judge in his criminal trial. In the juvenile court system, I was told I was old enough to know better. I was held accountable and LEGALLY LIABLE for my actions. Meanwhile, the criminal system (in an opinion from the judge) I had been classified as someone who was too naïve to know what I was doing. How is that possible?! How confusing to a child to be told on one hand it was her fault and the other that she was a victim! Who the hell was in charge here? Who decided that this is how you treat a child who was a victim of domestic and sexual abuse. Seriously... who? Why? How?
It's taken me years to not blame myself. It's taken me years to come to terms with the loss I suffered as a result of the miscarriage. Years to be able to trust anyone and form meaningful friendships and relationships. The internal rage I have felt since then hasn't subsided yet. And now, after 14 years.. that is my story. No, I'm not "over it". I may never be. It doesn't run my life anymore but that period of time is connected to me in a way that is indescribable. A phrase, a thought, a misconception about our justice system. Our justice system is broken. Our misconceptions about victims is detrimental. How can we change this so another child doesn't go through the same things? What stereotypes are YOU willing to give up?
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Runspiration
I was looking through my old photobucket account recently and came across a photo that just took me back in time. It was a selfie that I took while training for Tough Mudder. I snapped it on the Shakota Trail, a lakeside trail that has plenty of hills and a spectacular view. I don't trail run often due to the fact that I run alone, but this time I had made an exception. In the picture I don't look particularly winded or "athletic" but I look like I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. Happy to be outside, enjoying nature, and running to my heart's content. This was a few months prior to the point my body rebelled on me, before I really just started hated the process of even living. You see, running is my medicine. When I couldn't run anymore my joy was taken from me. I've been a runner for about 6 years in total, only stopping when I could physically no longer do it. One of the good things about my accident is that we were finally able to bring my pain under control and completely balanced my thyroid out. I woke up one morning about a week and a half ago and really just felt wonderful. I laced up my shoes for the first time in months and took Will out for a nice walk. We ended up running part of the way and I felt so alive then. There's a ritual to the run. The getting on of the clothes, the lacing of the shoes, the setting of the music. Even the run itself, the warm up, the running, the beat of my feet, my pony tail swishing on my back. It's just... heaven. I really want to go balls to the walls this running season. Get myself back to where I was and really live it up again. So, in honor of that mindset I've registered for my first 5k of 2015. It's time to take some more happy selfies while doing what I love. It's time to live again.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Me and My Bright Ideas
So here's a regularly irregular update. On October 19th my inexperience in riding horses shown right through when my horse spooked and took off across an open field. She had decided she was going back to her pen with or without me. Much as I tried to rein her in, she wouldn't be deterred. She got up to about 30mph before I lost the grip on her mane and fell. Lucky for me, I know how to fall or my injuries would be much worse. Double lucky for me, Rick was right there. So, he saw me fall and was able to get me to the hospital quickly. I obliterated my wrist, dislocated my elbow, and had a bone bruise on my left hip. I spent a week in the hospital, then took several weeks off of work to recover. I am still not 100% with my wrist and am in physical therapy. I started back to work the beginning of January and am just now feeling up to doing anything physical again. The plus in all of this is my pain is pretty much under control.
I've started walking again, and acquired a fit bit (came free with my phone). I've been hitting my 7,000 step a day goal this week which, YAY! I am also happy to report that, even with the accident, I have lost a total of 30lbs now :D I've decided that I am going to run again. I did a nice little run today of jogging/ walking. 3.21 miles in about 55 mins, that's a 17 min/ mile pace There's a race on April 11th that I've decided to participate in. OK- short term goal, complete this 5k with at least a 15 min/ mile pace. Think I can do it? Yes I can!
I've started walking again, and acquired a fit bit (came free with my phone). I've been hitting my 7,000 step a day goal this week which, YAY! I am also happy to report that, even with the accident, I have lost a total of 30lbs now :D I've decided that I am going to run again. I did a nice little run today of jogging/ walking. 3.21 miles in about 55 mins, that's a 17 min/ mile pace There's a race on April 11th that I've decided to participate in. OK- short term goal, complete this 5k with at least a 15 min/ mile pace. Think I can do it? Yes I can!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
40 days of logging.. 17lbs gone.
So I've hit the 40 day mark on My Fitness Pal. Previous to this I was using a paper diary to write down all my food. Which has helped immensely but I wasn't restricting calories. I had decided some time last year that it was pointless to restrict due to my hormones being nuts. In July my doctor and I found out that my full thyroid panel came back completely normal after being on Levothyroxine for a about 3 months. I decided it was time to go ahead and start again. Try to reclaim my life and be the active person I was. So I started using MFP to track not only calories but micro nutrients such as sodium and protein. I noticed in the first few weeks that my sodium intake was entirely too high and my protein intake entirely too low. So I adjusted, started making some small changes and making sure that my portions weren't crazy. I bought a food scale to really get a good idea. This is what I've learned in 40 days:
*I actually have a spot on eye when it comes to portions. I attribute this to the fact that I started trying to be healthier when my 7 year old was 6 months old. My portions actually have never been out of control. I've always used the hand method for measuring: a portion of meat is the size of your palm, portion of pasta/ rice the size of a fist, portion of veggies is your hand out with all five fingers spread. My food scale has since confirmed this is a pretty accurate way of measuring.
*More protein in the AM means less snacking later. At least for me. I wake up ravenous on the days that I work. Like I could eat my horse ravenous. Having a bigger protein meal in the AM helps tremendously.
*Speaking of: my coffee and tea in the mornings have more protein than I would have thought. Then I was like "duh, they have milk in them!".
*17lbs seems like a lot, but I can't tell the difference in the mirror. I still see pretty lady that I've always been in my mind. My mirror is not an accurate portrayal of myself. Probably because I've always tried to be body positive. I have a pretty good idea that a tight ass dress isn't going to look good on me, but my eye sees a pretty good picture when I look at my reflection.
*I can tell how big (or small) my body has been the longest by the jeans (or lack thereof) I have in any particular size. 12's and 14's are prolific in my closet. I have quite a few 8's and 10's and 22's as well. Up until yesterday I had 1 size 18 and 1 size 16. I remember when I bought those 22's. I had been wearing sweat pants and leggings for 2 months because my 14's didn't fit. I was actually shocked when the number was in the 20's. Let me put that in prospective for you, I had jumped 4 pants sizes in 2 months. Even totally overeating this would have signaled, to anyone with a brain, that something was very. very. very wrong. I am still upset that it has taken me over a year to get my hormones back on track because the doctors in this area don't know what the flying fuck they are doing.
*I unintentionally intermittently fast on the weekends. While I wake up starving on week days, I tend to sleep in on the weekends and I'm not as hungry (or can distract myself better) on the weekends. For example, yesterday even though I was awake at 6 to get the kids off to school I didn't eat until lunch time. Sitting at my desk is obviously a trigger to eat for me. Makes for a more satisfying dinner, ha!
*I learned that I've been doing a lot of things right all along. Especially after trying to solicit help on MFP forums, I was in the mindset going in that "Well, maybe I AM over eating and fucking myself over." Nope. I'm not eating that much less than I was previous. I've made very small changes to my habits, and I'm paying closer attention to my macros. That is it.
BTW, You can find my diary open on MFP. I'm, of course FattyMcRunnerPants.
*I actually have a spot on eye when it comes to portions. I attribute this to the fact that I started trying to be healthier when my 7 year old was 6 months old. My portions actually have never been out of control. I've always used the hand method for measuring: a portion of meat is the size of your palm, portion of pasta/ rice the size of a fist, portion of veggies is your hand out with all five fingers spread. My food scale has since confirmed this is a pretty accurate way of measuring.
*More protein in the AM means less snacking later. At least for me. I wake up ravenous on the days that I work. Like I could eat my horse ravenous. Having a bigger protein meal in the AM helps tremendously.
*Speaking of: my coffee and tea in the mornings have more protein than I would have thought. Then I was like "duh, they have milk in them!".
*17lbs seems like a lot, but I can't tell the difference in the mirror. I still see pretty lady that I've always been in my mind. My mirror is not an accurate portrayal of myself. Probably because I've always tried to be body positive. I have a pretty good idea that a tight ass dress isn't going to look good on me, but my eye sees a pretty good picture when I look at my reflection.
*I can tell how big (or small) my body has been the longest by the jeans (or lack thereof) I have in any particular size. 12's and 14's are prolific in my closet. I have quite a few 8's and 10's and 22's as well. Up until yesterday I had 1 size 18 and 1 size 16. I remember when I bought those 22's. I had been wearing sweat pants and leggings for 2 months because my 14's didn't fit. I was actually shocked when the number was in the 20's. Let me put that in prospective for you, I had jumped 4 pants sizes in 2 months. Even totally overeating this would have signaled, to anyone with a brain, that something was very. very. very wrong. I am still upset that it has taken me over a year to get my hormones back on track because the doctors in this area don't know what the flying fuck they are doing.
*I unintentionally intermittently fast on the weekends. While I wake up starving on week days, I tend to sleep in on the weekends and I'm not as hungry (or can distract myself better) on the weekends. For example, yesterday even though I was awake at 6 to get the kids off to school I didn't eat until lunch time. Sitting at my desk is obviously a trigger to eat for me. Makes for a more satisfying dinner, ha!
*I learned that I've been doing a lot of things right all along. Especially after trying to solicit help on MFP forums, I was in the mindset going in that "Well, maybe I AM over eating and fucking myself over." Nope. I'm not eating that much less than I was previous. I've made very small changes to my habits, and I'm paying closer attention to my macros. That is it.
BTW, You can find my diary open on MFP. I'm, of course FattyMcRunnerPants.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Don't Let The Fatty Pass You!
So today was the Watermelon Run! I had gotten the dates mixed up, it was today not Saturday. Oops. LOL I can be so dingy. Downside of it being today vs. Saturday is I went out with my friends last night so only got about 4 hours of sleep. But I tell you I was still pumped to get up and run. I had my clothes laid out and my soundtrack ready! So I got there a little early and was surprised that there were still t-shirts available for race day registration. The course was 2 laps around the school grounds of Upper Lake High School. Proceeds from the race went towards ULHS cross country. Since it was for the HS there were lots of teenagers there. Typically there aren't many HS students at races like this. It was refreshing to see so many young people taking part of an event that wasn't a school one.
The City Fitness crew was out in force today and it was nice to see them. I always feel bad as I no longer go to CF gym but I have to do me, ya know? I was very careful not to start out too fast this time. That's one of the pluses about having a watch that tells you how fast you're going. So I ran for about 3/4's of a mile keeping at 14:50 pace, then walked for about a half mile. One of the downsides of this course is that it was partially in a field that has been kept watered. So there were a lot of gopher holes and that part the ground was quite soft. I'm used to running on firmer ground so my legs were feeling funky. Actually, my left foot fell asleep which was so weird. I kept behind another woman in my age group who, I could tell, didn't want me passing her and her mom. I did the first mile in 17 mins. I let the other woman and her mom go ahead of me. I figured I'd catch up later, I had a feeling that she wasn't at a pace she could sustain. That's kind of the downfall that I saw at my half marathon: if you're a bigger girl (especially one as big as me) no one wants you to pass them. It's insulting I suppose. Even if you're not even going to place, they still don't want to be passed by the fat girl. Whatever, we were going about the same pace anyway but I like to kick it into high gear at the end. For quite a bit of the course, anyway, it was hard to pass.
On the second lap, I did pass her during one of the wider parts only to have her practically run me over to get ahead again. I was going a little faster then, and finished my 2nd mile at 16mins. So the last mile is always the hardest for me, and that dreaded point one as well, ha. But I did end up passing her and her mom again and getting far enough ahead that she couldn't catch up. I came across another group: 2 women in my same age group and an older lady. Yet and again they didn't want me to pass them and actively blocked me from doing so. The thing is the women in my age group (you can tell by the color stickers on your bib) were fit and I knew they were staying with the older lady they were running with. They could have EASILY out paced me. At this point my patience had run pretty thin knowing I had less than half a mile to go. So we get to a wider point and I passed all three. I heard one of the ladies behind me complain that "the fat girl" was "beating them". I made sure to maintain my speed and ran into the finish line. Now, unfortunately I forgot to stop my watch so it shows a 53+ minute finish. I believe I finished in 51 and change, though. If they post the results online I'll know for sure.
It was my worst time for a 5k to date, and that's even the ones where I've ran with a stroller. However I keep reminding myself that I have only been run/ walking for a few weeks. My first 5k I trained for several months. I am happy to know that I can complete one! It's exciting. I don't think it will be long before I'm back to my old self. As long as I don't have any flare ups. And see, that's the thing: I compete against myself. Sure it feels wonderful when you place but it feels better when you beat your last time. It's one of the less talked about things, people get competitive at these races! I remember during my half, there was one lady I was trailing behind who got absolutely livid when I passed her. We did the whole I'm going to pass you, no I'm going to pass you thing. She ended up finishing before me but I had a better time because she started in the group before me. What is it with people? The whole point is to have fun and be fit. Especially in the larger races you're probably not going to place so just do your best. Finishing felt good today. I am so happy that I was able to do so. It gives me hope that I can continue to run and do well. I'm considering training for a half marathon in November. It's called the Almond Bowl in Chico. I'm still scared to commit to anything just because I never know what's going to happen with my body but it might be just what I need.
The City Fitness crew was out in force today and it was nice to see them. I always feel bad as I no longer go to CF gym but I have to do me, ya know? I was very careful not to start out too fast this time. That's one of the pluses about having a watch that tells you how fast you're going. So I ran for about 3/4's of a mile keeping at 14:50 pace, then walked for about a half mile. One of the downsides of this course is that it was partially in a field that has been kept watered. So there were a lot of gopher holes and that part the ground was quite soft. I'm used to running on firmer ground so my legs were feeling funky. Actually, my left foot fell asleep which was so weird. I kept behind another woman in my age group who, I could tell, didn't want me passing her and her mom. I did the first mile in 17 mins. I let the other woman and her mom go ahead of me. I figured I'd catch up later, I had a feeling that she wasn't at a pace she could sustain. That's kind of the downfall that I saw at my half marathon: if you're a bigger girl (especially one as big as me) no one wants you to pass them. It's insulting I suppose. Even if you're not even going to place, they still don't want to be passed by the fat girl. Whatever, we were going about the same pace anyway but I like to kick it into high gear at the end. For quite a bit of the course, anyway, it was hard to pass.
On the second lap, I did pass her during one of the wider parts only to have her practically run me over to get ahead again. I was going a little faster then, and finished my 2nd mile at 16mins. So the last mile is always the hardest for me, and that dreaded point one as well, ha. But I did end up passing her and her mom again and getting far enough ahead that she couldn't catch up. I came across another group: 2 women in my same age group and an older lady. Yet and again they didn't want me to pass them and actively blocked me from doing so. The thing is the women in my age group (you can tell by the color stickers on your bib) were fit and I knew they were staying with the older lady they were running with. They could have EASILY out paced me. At this point my patience had run pretty thin knowing I had less than half a mile to go. So we get to a wider point and I passed all three. I heard one of the ladies behind me complain that "the fat girl" was "beating them". I made sure to maintain my speed and ran into the finish line. Now, unfortunately I forgot to stop my watch so it shows a 53+ minute finish. I believe I finished in 51 and change, though. If they post the results online I'll know for sure.
It was my worst time for a 5k to date, and that's even the ones where I've ran with a stroller. However I keep reminding myself that I have only been run/ walking for a few weeks. My first 5k I trained for several months. I am happy to know that I can complete one! It's exciting. I don't think it will be long before I'm back to my old self. As long as I don't have any flare ups. And see, that's the thing: I compete against myself. Sure it feels wonderful when you place but it feels better when you beat your last time. It's one of the less talked about things, people get competitive at these races! I remember during my half, there was one lady I was trailing behind who got absolutely livid when I passed her. We did the whole I'm going to pass you, no I'm going to pass you thing. She ended up finishing before me but I had a better time because she started in the group before me. What is it with people? The whole point is to have fun and be fit. Especially in the larger races you're probably not going to place so just do your best. Finishing felt good today. I am so happy that I was able to do so. It gives me hope that I can continue to run and do well. I'm considering training for a half marathon in November. It's called the Almond Bowl in Chico. I'm still scared to commit to anything just because I never know what's going to happen with my body but it might be just what I need.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Pre Race Jitters
So on Saturday I will do my second 5k in almost 2 years. This time, though, my spawn will not be with me. This means it's all me. I don't really have a clue as to how quickly I will be able to get it done but I'm anxious to see where my base is at this moment. I'm remembering my first 5k ever right now. I had flown to Ohio to see my family and attend an alumni dinner held at my alma mater. My uncles were going to run this race too, the Susan G. Komen race for the cure. I trained for 5 months for that race. FIVE! I had been recovering from one of the many surgeries that I've had and really just set my mind on it that I wanted to run. You see, prior to having my second baby I had lost 80lbs by dieting and running. Right before I got pregnant I had been training for a marathon but I hadn't ran any races yet. Somehow I had it in my head that I could do it. I probably could have too LOL.
Anyway, I trained with my son in a stroller and I was so beyond excited. I laid my clothes out the night before made sure my number was on just so. Then: I couldn't sleep! Like at all! The race was to start early and I had to meet up with my uncles who were staying in a hotel downtown. My good friend, Ryan, picked me up and we drove together over there. Ryan has a thing for photography and he wanted to take pictures of the race. My uncles probably thought I was nuts or naïve or something. IDK I was almost bouncing off the walls I was so excited to run with people for the first time. My uncles were very chill. Both are long time runners and my Uncle Brian ran the Boston Marathon.
Now my Uncle Brian (who is also my Godfather)... well let's just say he was the most positive male influence in my life. Although we're not like close I've always looked up to him. He always has been encouraging and really was supportive of my choice to go to college. I knew he was a runner prior to deciding to run myself and I think that's where I probably got my idea to try it. He always has seemed to have so much fun. My Uncle Chris too, I've always felt comfortable asking running advice from both of them and it was my Uncle Chris who turned me onto Hal Higdon's running plans. I guess sometimes running helps me feel connected to family being so far from them.
So Uncle Brian gave me a big hug before we started and just knowing that I had that support there meant the world to me. After I was so happy I finished in less than 40 minutes I could have jumped out of my skin. My uncles then took us to Gordon Beirch for a celebratory lunch. Then proceeded to tease me because I drank just a leeeetle bit too much beer. I think liking alcohol runs in the family too HA!
On Saturday I'll be thinking of my uncles and of Ohio. I'm excited to know that I will finish this. I will lay out my running attire the night before, make sure my hair is fixed just so and run my heart out. This is what I love to do. Running makes me me.
Ryan and me:
Uncle Brian, Uncle Chris and one of the other Team Perez members:
Anyway, I trained with my son in a stroller and I was so beyond excited. I laid my clothes out the night before made sure my number was on just so. Then: I couldn't sleep! Like at all! The race was to start early and I had to meet up with my uncles who were staying in a hotel downtown. My good friend, Ryan, picked me up and we drove together over there. Ryan has a thing for photography and he wanted to take pictures of the race. My uncles probably thought I was nuts or naïve or something. IDK I was almost bouncing off the walls I was so excited to run with people for the first time. My uncles were very chill. Both are long time runners and my Uncle Brian ran the Boston Marathon.
Now my Uncle Brian (who is also my Godfather)... well let's just say he was the most positive male influence in my life. Although we're not like close I've always looked up to him. He always has been encouraging and really was supportive of my choice to go to college. I knew he was a runner prior to deciding to run myself and I think that's where I probably got my idea to try it. He always has seemed to have so much fun. My Uncle Chris too, I've always felt comfortable asking running advice from both of them and it was my Uncle Chris who turned me onto Hal Higdon's running plans. I guess sometimes running helps me feel connected to family being so far from them.
So Uncle Brian gave me a big hug before we started and just knowing that I had that support there meant the world to me. After I was so happy I finished in less than 40 minutes I could have jumped out of my skin. My uncles then took us to Gordon Beirch for a celebratory lunch. Then proceeded to tease me because I drank just a leeeetle bit too much beer. I think liking alcohol runs in the family too HA!
On Saturday I'll be thinking of my uncles and of Ohio. I'm excited to know that I will finish this. I will lay out my running attire the night before, make sure my hair is fixed just so and run my heart out. This is what I love to do. Running makes me me.
Ryan and me:
Uncle Brian, Uncle Chris and one of the other Team Perez members:
Sunday, July 27, 2014
WIll's first 5k race re-cap
So yesterday Will, my 7 year old, completed his first 5k! I completed it with him making it my first race in almost 2 years. Oh my little boy has got such an ego! He thought that since a few years ago he won a 2k that it would be the same here. I tried and tried to explain to him that this was different, this was longer, and that there were more people in this one. He wouldn't listen. I guess this was just something he had to figure out on his own. He was smack talking some of the other little boys saying how fast he was. And he is! But he's more of a sprinter than a long distance runner. I explained to him before the race that he wanted to start slow and then speed up later, to conserve his energy. No cigar. Sometimes I have issues because Will likes to talk so much and get stuck on a very specific idea and won't get off of it. I think people around us probably think he's annoying but we got some nice comments from the more experienced runners saying they liked his enthusiasm. So the race started and we got about 1/4 mile down the road when Will realized that he had gone too fast. Poor guy got very upset that he could not keep up with the other runners in his group. Then he threw a fit. I could see him but he was ahead of me quite a bit.He had started out at a 10 min mile pace when we had been practicing at a 16 min mile pace. So I caught up to him and he kept saying he had "leg out". Which just meant he was tired and his legs hurt. I guess this is one time I really just had to let him learn from experience. He doesn't want to do the next race with me, though, which is unfortunate. I think he would do fine if he just stayed back with me. His little legs aren't very long LOL. So we walked the rest of the way and he was quite proud that he finished. 59:26 was official time. We celebrated by going to Denny's.
The experience was all in all a good one. And it showed me that I really could still go the distance. I felt wonderful at the end of the race. Although, I could feel a pain flare up starting after my walk on Friday so I didn't really want to go. I'm still in the midst of a pain flare up so I'm not a happy camper right now. But I'll get through it. There's another 5k next week closer to home and I'm going to do it. Hopefully, I won't do too bad of a time. If I can just get in my groove it'll all be fine.
The experience was all in all a good one. And it showed me that I really could still go the distance. I felt wonderful at the end of the race. Although, I could feel a pain flare up starting after my walk on Friday so I didn't really want to go. I'm still in the midst of a pain flare up so I'm not a happy camper right now. But I'll get through it. There's another 5k next week closer to home and I'm going to do it. Hopefully, I won't do too bad of a time. If I can just get in my groove it'll all be fine.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Holy Crap, I finished Week One!
You read that right, I finished week one of C25k! I'm so happy I could cry. In the past few months it's really been hard to commit to anything or any program so I'm going to celebrate this small success. My second run was on Wednesday and my little Will came with me. He was bitching after half a mile but we ended up doing a mile and a half together in 30 mins. I have a hard time getting up super early in the mornings for the dreadmill so I waited until after work for Wednesday's run. Amazingly, I did not have a flare up like I did on Saturday's run! You have no clue how happy that made me. I didn't even get a dehydration headache. While the results from today's run won't be apparent until tomorrow I can happily say I haven't had a flare up so far from today either. I work up around 11 and immediately went for a run. I felt awesome. So awesome. Beyond awesome, really. But when I got home I sort of collapsed. Took me a min to get back up but I didn't really feel it while I was out. I did 1.75 miles in 30 minutes! I've decided that on my Sunday run I'm going to do 2 mile regardless of the time. So far on these runs I've been taking a pretty flat course. The plus about being a long time just starting again runner is that I know almost exactly how long any particular route is. I think on Sunday to add the extra miles I'll do a moderate uphill course. When I was training for my half I used a mix of hills and flat. My one gripe right now is that the "new lap" button on my Garmin is sticking. It's making me mad. I like to rest between walking/ running to get an idea of what my current pace is. I guess I'm anal like that. I hope I can fix it but I'm not sure if it's an internal thing or if some gunk got in there? going to have to check that tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
I think I'm ready!
So I definitely did have a pain flare up post first run. But, you know, I'm in so much fucking pain all the fucking time that I really don't give a fuck anymore. I AM going to run another 5k. I miss running so much. During my first day on Saturday when I was running I felt so alive. Like me, my blood pumping my hair swishing down my back, my hot pink shoes hitting the pavement. Alive. Free. Wonderful. I'm going to do my second run tomorrow morning on the treadmill. I was able to keep a 12 min/ mile pace on Saturday during the running parts (so says my Garmin), and that's where I need and want to be.
I've pretty much come to the conclusion that these dumbass doctors don't really want to help at all. I did get a referral to a surgeon to have a panneculectomy to remove part of my apron and the adhesions that reside there. However, I probably won't qualify for it. I only meet 2 of the 3 criteria but I'm hopeful. My other choice is to get bariatric surgery to severely limit my food intake. I don't overeat and have been keeping a food diary for several months. It was actually the only way that I could convince my doctor last year that there may be a hormonal issue. However with bariatric surgery I wouldn't even be able to eat what I'm used to. So that's the next step... IDK what else to do. I'm running out of options. I can't keep living off of pain medication forever.
I've pretty much come to the conclusion that these dumbass doctors don't really want to help at all. I did get a referral to a surgeon to have a panneculectomy to remove part of my apron and the adhesions that reside there. However, I probably won't qualify for it. I only meet 2 of the 3 criteria but I'm hopeful. My other choice is to get bariatric surgery to severely limit my food intake. I don't overeat and have been keeping a food diary for several months. It was actually the only way that I could convince my doctor last year that there may be a hormonal issue. However with bariatric surgery I wouldn't even be able to eat what I'm used to. So that's the next step... IDK what else to do. I'm running out of options. I can't keep living off of pain medication forever.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Couch to 5k part deux
When I first started running again after I had Maggie, I used cool running's couch to 5k program to jump off. I started that again today since I haven't been walking enough to really start any other program comfortably. I'm trying to start this slowly as I'm afraid I'll have a pain flare up if I push too hard. So now, an hour after my first day, I already know I'm going to be in pain later. I went ahead and took some ibuprofen in hopes to stave off some of it so that I can go swimming and be active today. I'm really afraid, though, to commit to any events right now. I really want to actually race again but I'm going to wait until I'm closer to running regularly before I sign up.
Little update on my health: I've been taking my thyroid meds for about a month and a half now. I'm seeing good things such as being less fatigued in the AM, not falling asleep at my desk, etc. My bloating has gone down quite a bit and I have a lot less of a round face now. I've lost some weight but I'm not holding my breath that it stays off. It always seems to go that way, lose 10lbs, gain it back, lose it, gain it back. Fact is, I have a lot of weight to lose to feel normal again. it may or may not happen. Such is my life.
Little update on my health: I've been taking my thyroid meds for about a month and a half now. I'm seeing good things such as being less fatigued in the AM, not falling asleep at my desk, etc. My bloating has gone down quite a bit and I have a lot less of a round face now. I've lost some weight but I'm not holding my breath that it stays off. It always seems to go that way, lose 10lbs, gain it back, lose it, gain it back. Fact is, I have a lot of weight to lose to feel normal again. it may or may not happen. Such is my life.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Levothyroxin, Bloating, and other goodies
Since October I've had some pretty bad bloating. Just kind of a quick update. I started taking Levothyroxin last week and the doctor said I would be able to feel some of the good effects in about a week. I've already noticed I'm not quite as bloated as I was. Woot. I'm also feeling more energetic in the morning. I'm hoping this is a trend. I'm definitely a long way from where I was and where I want to be, but this is an ongoing life journey... and I think I'll be fine with it. I can actually take my ring off easyish now which is amazing, normally I'd have to pull.. Now hopefully the double chin and facial bloating is next. I have the very obvious "moon" face that is a signature of hypothyroidism. It's funny I can deal with being fat but I don't like it when my face is round :( Maybe a waddle tomorrow? We'll see. One day at a time here.
c
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Chornically Ill, Perpetually Hoepful
I've been thinking of making a post like this for a while. Kind of an "evolution of disease" with me being the only case study, lol. I have two chronic conditions. One which is mostly evolved and could have been taken care of when I was a lot younger, the other which is a bit of a contributing factor. The one that is evolved is surgical menopause caused by Adenomyosis and PCOS. The second is Hashimoto's which is a thyroid disorder.
Lets get some background here, for those who do not know what this is. Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disorder that causes inflammation and (eventually) death of the thyroid glad. Your thyroid is located in your neck and is responsible for secreting hormones that are essential for body function. Without it your body cannot function normally. Thyroid disorders (Hashimoto's, general hypo or hyper thyroid, and Grave's) tend to run in families. Typically Hashimoto's, Celiac, and PCOS go hand in hand as they are mostly the result of dysfunction of the autoimmune system. Symptoms of Hashimoto's include fatigue, depression, weight gain, overall aches and pains, intolerance to cold, puffy face and extremities, goiters, and a few others. My mom has hypothyroid. My sister has Grave's disease.
Adenomyosis is similar to endometriosis. It causes the uterine wall to become basically filled with blood. It causes horrible, painful, periods. It's a contributor of miscarriages. I've had symptoms of this since I started my period. I used to think it was normal to bleed through two tampons and a pad in an hour. I would sit in class with pain so bad my hands would shake. All of this I though was normal because my father and stepmother told me it was. My dad even refused to buy me pads because my step mom didn't use them. IDK what I would have done with out friends who would bring me pads and pain pills at school.
I've always been a bit on the heavier side. This is no secret. When I was 15ish I had my thyroid levels tested because of my mom and my sister's issues. At the time I was borderline hyper. This didn't make any sense to me. It makes sense now. In many cases, with Hashimoto's, thyroid levels go up and then crash down. This process of the thyroid dying can take years. Because of all of the rampant thyroid issues in my family I have had my levels checked regularly. They have never been cause for concern.
In 2009 I was running when I felt a sharp pain in my side. I couldn't run anymore and was in severe pain. I could barely walk. I went to the ER but they didn't do shit, just gave me morphine and told me to go on. I eventually wound up at a gyno's office. I had a diagnostic surgery which found that my ovaries were riddled with cysts and my uterus was boggy. This is when I first learned why I had horrible periods and was given a choice: hysterectomy or get pregnant. I planned hysterectomy but a little intruder snuck her way in before the date. I spent my pregnancy on bed rest, the Adeno aggravated by the pregnancy. Maggie was born 6 weeks early and within a few weeks I was in so much pain I could barely get out of bed. I had an abdominal hysterectomy with bisingual oophorectomy in June 2010. I thought this was the end of my troubles. I have done well with being in surgical menopause with the caveat that I was unable to get back down to the size that I was previous to my pregnancy with Maggie. I've also had some chronic pain that I've been working on with a pain specialist. But that's too much of a story to get into.
Later in 2010 I started having some bowel issues. Let's just leave it at that. I had a endoscopy and colonoscopy that showed damage to the cilia of my small intestine. It was determined that I had celiac disease and I have been attempting to be gluten free ever since. I thought that was that. I was wrong.
In 2012 the residual pain that I had from my hysterectomy increased significantly. I went back to my gyno and had some of the adhesions (scar tissue) from my stomach removed. The adhesions were binding my organs and internal skin lining together. The surgery didn't help and my gyno referred me to a surgeon. After an extensive physical the surgeon became worried regarding a lump he felt on my thyroid. He also berated me because of my weight. I had gained a lot of weight in the past few months and didn't know why. At the time he suggested an ultra sound and blood work. He then decided that we would take a wait and see approach to it. I wasn't satisfied with that and looked high and low for a second opinion. After driving 2 hours with my blood work that's when I got the original diagnosis of Hashimoto's. Unfortunately I was unable to drive back down there as the doctor stopped taking appointments on Fridays (my day off).
Fast forward to August 2013 during another appointment with the surgeon for the adhesions (which were also on a wait and see approach), the Dr. ordered another ultrasound on my thyroid, this time with a biopsy. The biopsy came back as malignant and it was decided that I would have the tumor (that had doubled at this point) taken out. In October that is just what happened. The cancer was found to be encapsulated. Phew. Didn't help the other symptoms I was having, though. Fatigue, weight gain, puffy face...
I finally was able to get into my regular doctor within the last few days and am now on levothyroixine. I'm hoping that will help. During the course of this physical and blood work it looks like my creatine levels (waste in bloodstream) was high indicating low kidney function as well. We're trying to figure out why but I'm sure it's all interrelated.
Some days I feel great, full of energy, bouncing out of bed. And other days I am so tired I can barely move. Some days I go and walk and walk and walk, try to make it to an exercise class, stay active. I work full time, go to school full time... I'm active. And yet lately I've been dragging. I'll be sitting at my desk and my body decides that it's time for a nap. Those times that I am powerless to stop it I go to my car and take a snooze or dab my face with cold water.
Honestly, IDGAF who you are or why your body looks the way you do but I get sooooo irritated when people tell me "Sure, you have a glandular disorder all fat people do". I want to bash them over the head and take them for a walk in a day of my life. I know things will get better eventually. I'm just hoping that eventually is sooner rather than later.
Lets get some background here, for those who do not know what this is. Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disorder that causes inflammation and (eventually) death of the thyroid glad. Your thyroid is located in your neck and is responsible for secreting hormones that are essential for body function. Without it your body cannot function normally. Thyroid disorders (Hashimoto's, general hypo or hyper thyroid, and Grave's) tend to run in families. Typically Hashimoto's, Celiac, and PCOS go hand in hand as they are mostly the result of dysfunction of the autoimmune system. Symptoms of Hashimoto's include fatigue, depression, weight gain, overall aches and pains, intolerance to cold, puffy face and extremities, goiters, and a few others. My mom has hypothyroid. My sister has Grave's disease.
Adenomyosis is similar to endometriosis. It causes the uterine wall to become basically filled with blood. It causes horrible, painful, periods. It's a contributor of miscarriages. I've had symptoms of this since I started my period. I used to think it was normal to bleed through two tampons and a pad in an hour. I would sit in class with pain so bad my hands would shake. All of this I though was normal because my father and stepmother told me it was. My dad even refused to buy me pads because my step mom didn't use them. IDK what I would have done with out friends who would bring me pads and pain pills at school.
I've always been a bit on the heavier side. This is no secret. When I was 15ish I had my thyroid levels tested because of my mom and my sister's issues. At the time I was borderline hyper. This didn't make any sense to me. It makes sense now. In many cases, with Hashimoto's, thyroid levels go up and then crash down. This process of the thyroid dying can take years. Because of all of the rampant thyroid issues in my family I have had my levels checked regularly. They have never been cause for concern.
In 2009 I was running when I felt a sharp pain in my side. I couldn't run anymore and was in severe pain. I could barely walk. I went to the ER but they didn't do shit, just gave me morphine and told me to go on. I eventually wound up at a gyno's office. I had a diagnostic surgery which found that my ovaries were riddled with cysts and my uterus was boggy. This is when I first learned why I had horrible periods and was given a choice: hysterectomy or get pregnant. I planned hysterectomy but a little intruder snuck her way in before the date. I spent my pregnancy on bed rest, the Adeno aggravated by the pregnancy. Maggie was born 6 weeks early and within a few weeks I was in so much pain I could barely get out of bed. I had an abdominal hysterectomy with bisingual oophorectomy in June 2010. I thought this was the end of my troubles. I have done well with being in surgical menopause with the caveat that I was unable to get back down to the size that I was previous to my pregnancy with Maggie. I've also had some chronic pain that I've been working on with a pain specialist. But that's too much of a story to get into.
Later in 2010 I started having some bowel issues. Let's just leave it at that. I had a endoscopy and colonoscopy that showed damage to the cilia of my small intestine. It was determined that I had celiac disease and I have been attempting to be gluten free ever since. I thought that was that. I was wrong.
In 2012 the residual pain that I had from my hysterectomy increased significantly. I went back to my gyno and had some of the adhesions (scar tissue) from my stomach removed. The adhesions were binding my organs and internal skin lining together. The surgery didn't help and my gyno referred me to a surgeon. After an extensive physical the surgeon became worried regarding a lump he felt on my thyroid. He also berated me because of my weight. I had gained a lot of weight in the past few months and didn't know why. At the time he suggested an ultra sound and blood work. He then decided that we would take a wait and see approach to it. I wasn't satisfied with that and looked high and low for a second opinion. After driving 2 hours with my blood work that's when I got the original diagnosis of Hashimoto's. Unfortunately I was unable to drive back down there as the doctor stopped taking appointments on Fridays (my day off).
Fast forward to August 2013 during another appointment with the surgeon for the adhesions (which were also on a wait and see approach), the Dr. ordered another ultrasound on my thyroid, this time with a biopsy. The biopsy came back as malignant and it was decided that I would have the tumor (that had doubled at this point) taken out. In October that is just what happened. The cancer was found to be encapsulated. Phew. Didn't help the other symptoms I was having, though. Fatigue, weight gain, puffy face...
I finally was able to get into my regular doctor within the last few days and am now on levothyroixine. I'm hoping that will help. During the course of this physical and blood work it looks like my creatine levels (waste in bloodstream) was high indicating low kidney function as well. We're trying to figure out why but I'm sure it's all interrelated.
Some days I feel great, full of energy, bouncing out of bed. And other days I am so tired I can barely move. Some days I go and walk and walk and walk, try to make it to an exercise class, stay active. I work full time, go to school full time... I'm active. And yet lately I've been dragging. I'll be sitting at my desk and my body decides that it's time for a nap. Those times that I am powerless to stop it I go to my car and take a snooze or dab my face with cold water.
Honestly, IDGAF who you are or why your body looks the way you do but I get sooooo irritated when people tell me "Sure, you have a glandular disorder all fat people do". I want to bash them over the head and take them for a walk in a day of my life. I know things will get better eventually. I'm just hoping that eventually is sooner rather than later.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Run Run Run STOP... Run Run Run STOP
That's how I'm feeling I'm doing right now. Chugging along then something else changes. Chugging along, then something else pops up. I've been sticking to my goals for the most part, moving more, walking more, etc. It's been interesting. The last few weeks have brought a lot of changes. I started my Master's degree program YAY! My son, Will, started T-ball and my baby doll started Cheerleading. I got a promotion at work and I'm now more into policy analysis which is pretty awesome. So busy busy busy. Trying to at least walk everywhere, park further away, get up get moving even if it's not a formal class or run session. Good news: my weight has remained steady in the last few month which is a really good change as it was steadily going up. I've actually lost some inches and have gone from a 22 to an 18 again. 22 wow... that's the biggest I've ever been, kinda depressing in a way but whatever. Most of my life I've hovered between 14's and 12's, and I'm loath to get rid of my smaller clothes. I probably will soon, though. I'm starting to just resign myself to where I'm at. I'm at least comfortable in my own body again. With the kids being so active it's hard not to want to keep up with them going full speed. Now that they're almost 4 and almost 7 they're definitely in a fun age range. They want to be on the go and I want to be going with them :D I'm happy that I'm feeling energetic enough to do so. A few months ago, I don't think that would have been possible.
For those that don't know my main goal has always been to be active to keep up with my children. My life and how I feel and how I interact with the world affects them in so many ways. They deserve a mommy who is up and about and playing with them. I pray every day that I am meeting that need. That I am a mommy they want to be with and play with. I hope there never comes a day when I can't keep up with them; that I'm always there for their games, competitions, opening days, and events. If I've ever done anything right in my life, its them.
For those that don't know my main goal has always been to be active to keep up with my children. My life and how I feel and how I interact with the world affects them in so many ways. They deserve a mommy who is up and about and playing with them. I pray every day that I am meeting that need. That I am a mommy they want to be with and play with. I hope there never comes a day when I can't keep up with them; that I'm always there for their games, competitions, opening days, and events. If I've ever done anything right in my life, its them.
Friday, February 28, 2014
It's not about what you've done, it's about what you're doing!
So far: resolutions have stuck! I've got my treadmill up and while I haven't been focusing on running I have been focusing on staying active. I've been gluten free completely for several weeks now so I'm starting to feel better to get all that yucky gluten out of my body. I've been focusing on not defending myself for anything. I realized that I would always defend my looks, defend what my body is and why. Then I realized: it's no one's god damned business. I am what I am, take me or leave me. I had gotten into a habit of defending why I was in an exercise class. I recently went to a "combat cardio" class where, by the end, I couldn't go on. My abs were on fire to the point I had to go home and pop a few vicodin just to sleep through the pain. The instructor keep yelling (probably at me, I didn't have my glasses on... couldn't see him) "Keep going. Don't stop now. DO SOMETHING!". Well screw it! I'm not here to harm myself just so you feel that you've been a good instructor. I know my limits, I know where to stop and I don't have to defend why. Period. I don't have to defend or justify what I'm eating, defend or justify having to stop in the middle of a workout. I know that I'm doing what's best for my body.
And guess what? I'm already reaping the rewards. Not in weight loss but I feel better. I feel like myself. I'm happy and I will continue on being happy with whatever progress comes my way.
And guess what? I'm already reaping the rewards. Not in weight loss but I feel better. I feel like myself. I'm happy and I will continue on being happy with whatever progress comes my way.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Running Into the New Year
I feel so optimistic about 2014. After last year it can't possibly get worse, right? In the last 3 weeks I have been almost pain free and have been slowly increasing my physical movement. I have Zumba'd a few times this week and ran twice. It feels awesome, like I'm back home almost. I have my first physical therapy session tomorrow. Our goal is to get some more flexibility in my hips as it's really limited right now. We'll be doing some work in the water. Today was a landmark, the mark that means good things are happening: I did 45 mins of a Zumba class at high intensity WITHOUT getting a headache! Now if I can just get the shin splints out of my legs we'll be golden. The thing that will remedy that is proper shoes. Unfortunately my daughter took off with my shoes and lost one. She likes them because they're pink. So I've been wearing old shoes. Probably not the best idea.
I typically do not like to make New Year's resolutions because they never seem to correlate with what is actually feasible. I think, though, setting a general goal of being more active and mindful of what I'm eating is a good goal. I also do want to try to stick to the challenge on I <3 to run: 1. Never miss a Monday 2. Run 3 days a week 3. Don't go 3 days without running 4. Never give up. I think I can do this!
Happy New Year Everyone!!!
I typically do not like to make New Year's resolutions because they never seem to correlate with what is actually feasible. I think, though, setting a general goal of being more active and mindful of what I'm eating is a good goal. I also do want to try to stick to the challenge on I <3 to run: 1. Never miss a Monday 2. Run 3 days a week 3. Don't go 3 days without running 4. Never give up. I think I can do this!
Happy New Year Everyone!!!
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