The Darkest of Nights

People know me as a spiritual person, not a religious one. I believe that the universe is tied together and that we all vibrate when the universe vibrates. I believe everything happens for a reason. The timing of things are not coincidental. I do not believe in coincidence. I do not  think that the visitation that I had in March was anything but divine.  

Recently a series of events have happened. The universe has deemed fit to warn me about these things beforehand. The universe often deems fit to give me insight into things before they happen. I don't think this is divination, I don't think I can tell the future or anything silly like that. I just believe I sometimes get a warning, an inkling... kind of like the gut feeling I was talking about just a few days ago. The last of these events I dreamt about last week. I was in the hospital with a friend, the friend was not shown. I just knew whoever it was I loved dearly. I was at their bedside telling them it was OK to die. I often did this with people who I cared for when I was a hospice provider. Sometimes they just  need to know that it's OK to die. They are scared to leave behind their loved ones. People will often hold on until that one special person is there. I told my father in law this prior to his death, he passed on not more than 10 hours later.

I got a message last night from one of my inner circle. I am lucky enough to have a close knit group of friends where I can't say I have just one very best friend. She told me that our friend, J, had been a bad car accident that morning. A woman high on Ecstasy and meth had decided she wanted to commit suicide. The method she chose was to ram her car into another car head on at high speed. The car she hit was J's. J was a passenger, not even the driver. He was in bad shape and was transferred to the regional trauma center ICU about two hours away. I am not going to go into the details here out of respect for him and his family. The driver of J's car was OK and so was the homicidal maniac. HM was arrested and is being held on 1million dollars bail.

I broke down in tears as soon as I heard the news. Flashbacks of my horseback riding accident were prominent in my head as I muddled through dinner and Christmas tree decorating with my children. My son, who has a problem with empathy, saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I explained to him that J was in an accident. He then gave me a big hug and said he was sorry and that he was concerned about J. I could not eat and did not sleep last night at all. At work this morning I could not concentrate on anything I was doing and it took me. I left early and went down to see him. Several of his other friends were there as well as his father and his sisters. It felt good to know my Muffin is so loved.

They were only letting people back there two at a time so I had to wait my turn. While waiting a woman put her hand on my leg and she asked if I was waiting to see my brother. I often refer to J as my brother but I told her no, that I was waiting for a friend. She then asked me if I was a Christian. I told her not really, that I lean more on the agnostic side. She seemed surprised at my response. She told me her name was Bev and that she had a message for me. She explained she sometimes has felt moved to give a particular message to strangers. Her message for me today is that everything is going to be OK. She told me that even though things may seem so very dark right now that the light is near.

When it was my turn to go back J was about half awake. I held his hand on top of his blanket as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Between falling asleep he talked to me and his other friend in the room. He took his hand out from under the blanket and motioned for me to come near. He cupped my cheek and croaked out that he loved me. I told him I loved him too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning any kind of romantic love. Rather the deep admiration and respect one has for a close friend and confidant. I kissed his hand before I left and felt that everything really would be OK. I don't know what that OK will look like, but I know that life and love will go on.

Tonight is a holiday that I am reverent to. The Winter Solstice. The night the axle of the earth in the Northern Hemisphere is tipped back the most, where we are the furthest away from the sun. Our light. I always observe this holiday and imagine what our ancestors must have thought. The winter was the time of year of the most deaths, what terror our ancestors must have felt during this time of year. What celebration they must have had when the sun returned. And, so, I KNOW the sun will rise again after this, the Longest Night.

Living life without hesitation and other rules of the road

I remember when I was learning how to drive my mom would scream at me if I was making a turn at an intersection "Don't hesitate! That hesitation is dangerous!" I remember her voice every now and again while driving and I see someone hesitate while they're maneuvering. Usually while passing another vehicle you'll see the car hesitate prior to moving into the left lane and overtaking the slower vehicle. That small hesitation can be dangerous because in that split moment another vehicle could have moved into the space which could cause a traffic accident. I find this a wonderful metaphor for life in general, that gut instinct prior to making a decision, that small hesitation that may mean the difference between overtaking a problem in your life or choosing to lag behind to wait for a better opportunity.

Since my cancer diagnosis in 2013 I've tried my best to live my life trusting that gut instinct and to not hesitate to live the life I deserve. What this has meant for me is finishing what I start, grabbing at opportunities to advance, and enjoying every moment I feel well.  The feeling well days have been getting more and more as my treatment had progressed. I'm enjoying my running, enjoying my kids. Recently, the life without hesitation came in the form of a job opportunity. I've been working the last three and a half years with welfare recipients, promoting my way from a line worker to a specialist in cash aid and trainer. I was accepted to interview for a senior position a few months ago. The process for getting hired as a government worker is an arduous process. It involves first applying, then taking a test, then interviewing and THEN the waiting game starts. I was actually surprised when I first got accepted to test. I was unsure if I qualified. The test was scheduled the week I was out of town for work. So I ended up taking it over the phone (it was an interview style test). After you test, you are ranked in order of how well you did. Much to my surprise I was ranked first! That in itself caused me to happy dance.

I got the calls to interview about a week later. The first I was excited about, it was in the Behavioural Health unit. I dressed up and I thought the interview had gone well. The second interview was over the phone because I was supposed to be driving to San Fransisco but ended up not going. I ended up sick as hell instead. I didn't think it went well. But, lo and behold I got a call with the promotional offer on Thursday last week. I was so excited, no hesitation I took the promotion even though I wasn't 100% sure what I would be doing. Turns out it's in the SNAP-ed unit which is responsible for helping to promote good nutrition and prevent obesity. How cool is that?!

I keep wondering, though, if they would have hired me had it been an in person interview. I am not a small person. I'm very excited, though. I start with the new year and I'm anticipating this upcoming year to be awesome. I'm very much resolved that my best years are ahead of me, not behind me. You know, this morning I woke up at 5am ( my regular to work time), and felt energetic enough to lace up my running shoes, put on some tunes, and walk up the hill behind my house.. without hesitation.