Thursday, July 25, 2013

Breaking Promises to Myself

What can I say? I'm a flake. I have a major problem with committing to anything physical lately. I guess that's what happens when you're depressed. So I'm changing sloooooowly. Been pretty good about the whole gorging myself on bad shit thing. Trying to stay gluten free. Doesn't always work. Once you introduce gluten back into your life it's hard to re-break the addiction. There are times when I think to myself that I don't DESERVE to feel good about myself. Like I don't DESERVE to live a long and healthy life, that something innately within me is bad. So many things have been going on lately that I really feel are barriers to taking care of myself. I'm trying to regain the previous confidence I once had but it's hard. Some things are going my way: got a promotion at work, changed offices. However I am still under tremendous amounts of stress right now. I know my blog is mostly about running and fitness. I feel, though, right now my personal life is getting in the way of fitness. Which, sucks. As my baby gaga friends would say it's not an excuse but it is a reason. To top that off I am still having a lot of pain when I move and when I wake up. To fix this I do have a doctor's appointment on August 9th to discuss further surgery to chip away at the massive amounts of scar tissue that has built up in my abdomen. This, of course, would still set me back in terms of fitness. However in the long run it may be alright. IF that weren't enough I have modified my diet to be more conducive to my final diagnoses of Hashimoto's hypothyroidism (did you know this goes hand in hand with Celiac disease?). *Sigh* At least I have the medical answers out of the way. But the rest? I'm afraid it's just going to have to come from within. I feel so defeated most of the time. As though nothing I do is going to change my state of mind. I'm working on it... if slowly. Fatty will run again!

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